Hey. It’s me, Juke. We’ve been together a loooong time. You say it’s only been a bit over 10 years, but to me it feels more like 80. You hoomans have always been funny about math and time, but I agree with you on one thing – I’m officially a senior dog.
So, here’s the deal – by now, we get each other. We are way past that pesky phase of me having to train you, when I had to listen to you repeat things over and over. Although I do miss the extra treats you used to give me when you finally did something right. We’ve been in a good groove for quite a while.
Even so, there are a few things I feel I need to clarify. Times are changing, and I’d like to continue to enjoy my later years in the style to which I’ve grown accustomed. So be a good hooman, will you, and allow me to point out some important senior pup rules:
- Hurrying and rushing are no longer something I will do. Meandering and sniffing is my jam.
- Routines are an even more vital part of my existence. Don’t even think about changing our schedule or how we do things, or I will resort to a sit-in protest, give you side-eye, or worse — use the sad pathetic pup face you hate.
- Speaking of routines, I will determine the direction of our slow walks. If it is the same loop every day, just go with it. Remember, I weigh 87 pounds, you won’t be able to budge me. Oh, and if I don’t feel like going for a walk, no amount of your pretend excited-voice will get me to go with you. Some days are meant only for resting.
- I will chase and woof after bunnies and squirrels for a distance of 8 feet. After that, I deem them no longer a threat, and will move into silent observation mode.
- If I’m feeling especially perky, I will chase the ball. Once. I’m done picking up after you. Besides, after all these years, you have still failed to explain why, if you want the ball, why you throw it in the first place?
- I live for eating, belly rubs, and butt scratches. Yeah, I know you like the “cute end” better, but you try to reach that spot to itch when you are my age.
- I snore. Live with it.
- I’m lumpy. Sure, some of those lumps may be something evil lurking, but most of them are just old man lumps. Just be glad I have fur covering me so I still look cute.
- I will do my business wherever and whenever the urge strikes. I know for most of my life I’ve deposited my poo in the reserved area of the yard. Well, guess what, I can’t always get there in time now. So watch your step. And really, I’ll never understand why when we are on walks you feel the need to collect and save it. I mean, that’s gross.
- I will stop in my tracks and blatantly stare at other hoomans who approach, sizing them up and assuming they will do the right thing and stop to introduce themselves to me with pats. I will be totally confused if they ignore me. However, if they are wearing a hat or gloves, I don’t trust them and they should move on by. Quickly.
- You exist even more than ever to give me comfort and attention. I come first. And I really want whatever is on your plate.
- Speaking of food, make sure you keep adding that yummy Missing Link powder stuff to my meals. It it tastes really good, makes me look and feel great and makes it easier for me to get up and down the steps. And I gotta still look cool in front of my friends.
I wuv you. Thanks for listening. Now give me my daily treat. In exactly the same spot on the rug as always. You know the rules.